A Week with a Lifetime of Emotions

More Personal than Usual

Hey, I’m Casey. Welcome to our newsletter, sharing the startup journey of Kamui Whisky. We’re always busy, but when we aren’t overwhelmed, we’ll share a story as we craft up a whisky distillery on a remote, volcanic island in the most northern part of Japan.

This week’s story is a very personal one.

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This week of 2022 has been one of the best of my life. It’s also been one of the ab.so.lute toughest.

On Monday morning I tested positive for COVID.

At the same time, our 1 week old newborn boy, Pipo, was scheduled for his major heart surgery. My test came back positive at the exact same time that the surgeons were cutting his chest open.

I couldn’t be at the hospital at this crucial moment because our 5 yr old son had brought COVID home late last week, and as a close exposure, the hospital had (rightly) barred me from being in the waiting room with my wife.

As Pipo began his expected 6 hour surgery, I was starting to feel the onset of exhaustion, and sweats from fever.

Only 8 hours later did we first hear from the surgeon. My wife, Miku, a founder of Kamui Whisky, was there in the waiting room zoom-ed me in. We were told it would be another 3 hours of surgery.

See Pipo was diagnosed with Transposition of the Great Arteries while still in the womb. This was months ago¹. We knew months in advance that Pipo was facing serious trials at life. A few weeks ago my wife was hospitalized as Pipo nearly came out much too early, which wouldn’t have given him much chance at survival.

Within hours of his birth Pipo had his first heart surgery, using a ballon to tug a hole through his heart, so fresh oxygen could mix into the artery carrying blood to the body. If not the body and brain wouldn’t have received any fresh oxygen.

Back to the waiting room on Monday, 9 hours in, a younger surgeon came back out to tell us it would take 3 more hours. This happened again 3 hours later, after midnight. This time the nurses said the main surgeon, who had been in the operating room since at least 8am, hadn’t returned at all, and that my wife should rest.

Certainly this was not good news.

Finally, the main surgeon came to update us at 4am. My wife immediately called so I could get the live update. After 17 hours of surgery on our 1 week old the surgeon told us that the artery switch was done, the worst bleeding was stopped, but that Pipo was on ECMO, the last-gap life support system.

The way things were said it felt we were being prepared for him not to survive the week.

I got a couple hours of sleep with COVID starting to come on fully, despite 3 shots (JPP), before my 4 and 5 year old woke me up excited to go about their day. They were quarantined at home because of the COVID case at school; my wife was staying at the Ronald McDonald’s² house next to the hospital.

Pipo, a couple of days after birth, one heart surgery behind him, a big, open-chested one in front of him. Pipo’s been on an incubator and in an induced coma since birth

The First Silver Lining - A Teenage Girl

My eldest daughter, turning 16 very soon, and fully in the tricky teenage years made a very mature decision, given that we had just had big fight the day before, came to live with me/us on Sunday night. This was the firs time she would live with me for an extended period since I got divorced 10+ years ago.

It almost didn’t happen. The night before we had a huge fight, and I’d imagined she wouldn’t be talking to me for a long time, but she sucked it up, and came over as promised.

Then the next morning I tested positive for COVID. Her first reaction to my COVID would be as you might imagine a teenage girl with her 16th birthday less than 2 weeks away with social plans, 😭.

But for the rest of the week she became my super hero. She helped me survive housebound 4 and 5 year olds full of energy.

We did shifts. She gave me hours at a time to recover from the exhaustion of COVID, and the deep headaches.

We talked, had nice moments. We both realized just how important time together is. Unstructured time. Even though I’ve seen her often, and done my best to be in her life since the separation many years ago, we could get to know each other deeply this week.

Without her I wouldn’t have survived. My first³ silver lining

The Onset of Grief - Less than 10% of a Normal Heart

Tuesday and Wednesday were very, very rough days.

Constant headache, fever, sore throat. Just getting through each day keeping the little kids alive, feeding everyone, putting them to bed was all I could do.

But every moment I had free, and laid down tears would seep out of my eyes. Going to bed wasn’t sleep, it was crying.

Pipo was on life support with a machine doing the work for his heart. The doctor’s said that his heart wasn’t working by itself. His lungs were bleeding. They were worried about pneumonia. He couldn’t take in much air even on full assistance.

We were told his heart was working at less than 10% of a normal heart. ECMO, the intubator, all the medicine, all the needles into him, all the lines were what was keeping him alive. They’d wait a while to see how he did, and then, well, it was left unsaid…

It felt like so much grief. I don’t have the words to even describe the type of grief⁴ it was, as Pipo was still alive. I wish I had the vocabulary.

The Freedom of No Schedule

Between the exhaustion and headaches of COVID, the need to give consistent care to homebound little ones, and the emotional storms of Pipo’s struggle for life I cancelled all my work this week.

I totally checked out of being present.

Transparency has been one of our core values ⁵, and I let the people closest to me know what was going on.

Everyone stepped in. Key decisions were made, projects moved forward, building happened.

I responded to emails, but this was the first week in many years I didn’t have at least a few meetings.

I could focus on my family. I was present. It was meaningful.

The Emotional Delta - from so low to so high

Thursday brought the first good news for Pipo. His heart was beginning to heal and was functioning around 20% of a normal heart.

Friday brought better news. His heart and lungs were improving beyond what the doctor’s expected. He might be able to get off life support over the weekend, and have his chest⁶ closed up next week.

He even opened his eyes for my wife. In her strictly enforced 15 minute daily visit on Friday he found the strength to open his eyes. This was only the 2nd time since he was born⁷.

On Monday and Tuesday my wife and I felt like we were having out of body experiences, observing ourselves. We were present but kind of like feeling it wasn’t totally real or us going through it - probably some form of shock.

By Friday we were having another out of body experience, on the opposite end of the emotional spectrum, being so euphorically happy our spirts were literally in the clouds.

A 4 and 5 Year Old Never Ask To Go Outside

This amazed me. Two little ones with enviable amounts of energy never once begged to go outside this week, nor threw a tantrum because they were bored.

The happiness to spend time with their (almost) 16 year old sister, who got down to play with them, and their Dad, who wasn’t always in meetings, must have been all they really needed.

Our 5 year old, Naz, flanked by our 4 year old, Chihaya.

Mind Hours and A Tolerance Target

This week I learned a lot about what’s important. I got strong "hints on how I should structure my life (conclusion: less busy).

Another amazingly timely bit of content⁸ came my way midweek:

How to know when to stop

The presentation of “mind hours” was very useful articulated clearly.

This was something I’ve suffered from a lot running startups. Even though I’m present with my kids my mind is often somewhere else solving a business or interpersonal problem. I’m too often mentally in and out when I’m with them, missing the good stuff, and their subconscious seems to process it with the result that their spiritual needs are not satisfied.

This week I didn’t spend drastically more hours than I usually do with my kids, but those mind hours were almost all gone. I was there with them. Their emotional satisfaction ratio was much higher.

I also plan on borrowing Andy’s spreadsheet to create an emotional tolerance zone.

Kindness

There were many people that dropped me notes, “thinking of you’s”, sending prayers, sharing a moment of their mind and heart. Those really do fortify the emotions. Kindness does build. We believe Pipo has received that energy and is getting stronger for it.

Deep, deep thank you to all.

So Strong and So Fragile

Not even 2 weeks into his life Pipo has already given me two major new gifts - kindness and inspiration.

A desire for giving more kindness to those around me has been building in recent years. Now with Pipo’s circumstances showing me the importance of kindness it will become a deeper tenant, a decided value to guide me.

And inspiration - Pipo has a long way to go, but already in just this week he has made tremendous progress from having the tiniest hold on life. I was losing hope in moments, but as one of my wiser colleagues told me this week “Hope’s a wonderful thing, hang onto it.”

Pipo has inspired me that much more can be done.

Whatever challenges I may face in starting up Kamui Whisky or scaling Attuned, there is hope, progress can be made. Each bit of small progress is meaningful.

Pipo this weekend having made big, and small, steps of meaningful progress.

Kamui Crosses the Finish Line to Start

This week brought a bunch of great news for Kamui Whisky:

• Javier, our Head Distiller, received his visa and will soon be on his way to Japan

• Our stills are shipping out of Vendome and will arrive in port on June 26th (thanks Vendome for solving the supply chain issue and getting this done!)

• All our key ingredients - malt, yeast, and barrels⁹ - are ordered, paid, and will arrive in time for distilling

• Final license approval - we now have a date for the final inspection to get our whisky license 🎉🥂

• Our new Operations Manager, our first full-time employee at Kamui Whisky, Shingo has been getting. 💩. done

It’s taken a long time to get here, but the moment when we will finally be distilling our first 🥃 is nearly here. It’s no longer a dream.

Thank you world. マジ感謝。

1. The doctor who discovered Pipo had TGA by analyzing the echo is a hero. It only gets picked up in 40% of the cases in Japan pre-birth. Had it not been discovered then Pipo would very likely not have made it this far.

2. Our family’s image of McDonald’s has gone way up being supported by the kindness of the charity and the volunteers. I no longer feel antipathy towards McDonald’s, and even ordered the little kids (contactless) delivery of their totally desired, but usually denied Happy Meals.

3. The 2nd was I lost more weight with COVID then I did in the last two months of a fairly regular and intense (for me) gym routine. Lily Allen’s lyrics from “The Fear” have been ringing in my ears, “And everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner.”

4. In pure coincidence I listened to this very insightful podcast on grief late last week: https://hidden-brain.simplecast.com/episodes/healing-your-heart-KpF6ftN9

5. At EQIQ, https://www.eqiq-group.com, where I’m CEO.

6. Pipo stays in the most cordoned off section of the hospital, with his chest open, and the ECMO connected directly to it.

7. The first was 30min before he was wheeled into surgery. My wife believed it was because he was telling her everything would be fine and that she should stop worrying; I took a more scared view when she told me worrying that he was saying “Goodbye”

8. I very happily pay for the subscription to Lenny’s Newsletter, so much gold.

9. Water we have onsite from Rishiri’s natural springs